Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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