i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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