Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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