mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
