Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
