Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He did a backflip because drugs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize