If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Houston, we have a blender
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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