I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
