I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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