I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
