Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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