first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
