She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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