She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
