Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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