Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Randomize