why didn't you poke me back
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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