The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
