At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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