Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
