took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
