I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
