Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
