I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
