He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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