Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
