Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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