I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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