Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
