she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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