Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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