My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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