Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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