oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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