the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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