i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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