He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
