i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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