i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
