So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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