You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just google imaged poop.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
