I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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