Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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