if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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