Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
