My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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