My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
