Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
