wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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