He is like the real live version of the state fair..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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