You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
