There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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