Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
