saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Randomize
