Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
