i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
